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As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.